Update from me. I've got lot's to tell.
Well, Hello!
It's been a while since I wrote, and while I don't think I have any viewers (at least not many) I will go ahead and write an update.
I was just flipping through my blog pages, as I have many, and found that I had actually mentioned Matthew in one. This one. I was sure I had erased any mention of him off the face of the internet, but alas... It's pretty silly now that I think about it. For one thing, I don't think anyone that knows him would be reading this or would even know I was talking about him for sure, and for another, why would I really care if he read it? So, I have a new proposal for myself and that is to keep everything out in the open. If I am ashamed, I should confess to the Lord and have him take my burden. If I am content, any one should have the right to know, for they will not be able to say naught against it. I've done a lot of growing since I wrote the entry below the one below, Christmas last year, At that point, I had risen from my shame in a lot of ways, but I was still learning what my true desires were, It's such a wonder to me that I have come so far. For a start, I have a verse for my friend Matthew.
"For I will give you a mouth and wisdom, which all your adversaries shall not be able to gainsay nor resist." - Luke 21:15 (Corrisponding with his birthday if you turn the 21 around.)
Before Summer began, I talked to Matthew on the phone a lot and was planning to Volenteer at the camp he was Volenteering at (not for that reason), but when it came down to it, Dad needed me at home and prayerfully I decided to stay home. I ended up going for two of the days and working in the cook shack. I talked to Matthew for a little while, then he introduced me to a couple of people as his friend Mary, but the third person he introduced me to as Martha, (which is my sister's name). He didn't notice, but after he was gone I told the lady my name was actually Mary. Matthew was tired and in his "command mode", but you know, it really busted my pride.
Every time I start thinking I'm special or that Matthew must count me highly, he loses some detail about me and I have to go figure. He was gone all summer to varias camps, and when he returned, we went on a short canoe trip with him and his brother Dan, (our family had a friend visiting from Washington and wanted to do something fun.) After that, Matthew was gone for 1 or 2 more weeks total. I talked to him on the phone for an hour or so about all of his adventures when he got back, and a couple of weeks ago I talked to him for a while.
In reality, there is nothing extra special here. Matthew is my friend and a brother in the Lord. I highly respect him, and appreciate his friendship. I have at times felt like he must be "the one" but I really don't know who the Lord has in mind for me. I just pray that the Lord would bless him and his future wife, and that I would treat him as I want other women to treat my future husband.
What's really been so strange to me lately, are the emotional flash backs. One thing that I find happening, is, I find myself in emotion, standing in a situation a couple of years ago when I was hurting and lonely and reaching out desperately for understanding. Places like Everett's front porch, crying my eyes out because he didn't love me any more. Or in the dark at Jewell's taking those steps toward suicide. It takes my breath away, then I have to inhale deeply, exhale and praise the Lord for his mercy and lovingkindness in bringing me here. In a matter of milliseconds I feel lost, and then found and joyfully so. I can't really describe it, but a few weeks ago I just started crying in the middle of a family meeting. I couldn't understand how I got here! It was like I was sitting in one scene and then, 2 years later, there I was. In regards to relationships, I continually praise the Lord for sparing me from so much more pain. I need only remember where he brought me from to realize I don't need to seek fulfillment with men. I don't need to have the attention of friends. When I lost all of my close friends, I felt abandoned, but the Lord raised me up, and He is my high tower of strength.
It's been a while since I wrote, and while I don't think I have any viewers (at least not many) I will go ahead and write an update.
I was just flipping through my blog pages, as I have many, and found that I had actually mentioned Matthew in one. This one. I was sure I had erased any mention of him off the face of the internet, but alas... It's pretty silly now that I think about it. For one thing, I don't think anyone that knows him would be reading this or would even know I was talking about him for sure, and for another, why would I really care if he read it? So, I have a new proposal for myself and that is to keep everything out in the open. If I am ashamed, I should confess to the Lord and have him take my burden. If I am content, any one should have the right to know, for they will not be able to say naught against it. I've done a lot of growing since I wrote the entry below the one below, Christmas last year, At that point, I had risen from my shame in a lot of ways, but I was still learning what my true desires were, It's such a wonder to me that I have come so far. For a start, I have a verse for my friend Matthew.
"For I will give you a mouth and wisdom, which all your adversaries shall not be able to gainsay nor resist." - Luke 21:15 (Corrisponding with his birthday if you turn the 21 around.)
Before Summer began, I talked to Matthew on the phone a lot and was planning to Volenteer at the camp he was Volenteering at (not for that reason), but when it came down to it, Dad needed me at home and prayerfully I decided to stay home. I ended up going for two of the days and working in the cook shack. I talked to Matthew for a little while, then he introduced me to a couple of people as his friend Mary, but the third person he introduced me to as Martha, (which is my sister's name). He didn't notice, but after he was gone I told the lady my name was actually Mary. Matthew was tired and in his "command mode", but you know, it really busted my pride.
Every time I start thinking I'm special or that Matthew must count me highly, he loses some detail about me and I have to go figure. He was gone all summer to varias camps, and when he returned, we went on a short canoe trip with him and his brother Dan, (our family had a friend visiting from Washington and wanted to do something fun.) After that, Matthew was gone for 1 or 2 more weeks total. I talked to him on the phone for an hour or so about all of his adventures when he got back, and a couple of weeks ago I talked to him for a while.
In reality, there is nothing extra special here. Matthew is my friend and a brother in the Lord. I highly respect him, and appreciate his friendship. I have at times felt like he must be "the one" but I really don't know who the Lord has in mind for me. I just pray that the Lord would bless him and his future wife, and that I would treat him as I want other women to treat my future husband.
What's really been so strange to me lately, are the emotional flash backs. One thing that I find happening, is, I find myself in emotion, standing in a situation a couple of years ago when I was hurting and lonely and reaching out desperately for understanding. Places like Everett's front porch, crying my eyes out because he didn't love me any more. Or in the dark at Jewell's taking those steps toward suicide. It takes my breath away, then I have to inhale deeply, exhale and praise the Lord for his mercy and lovingkindness in bringing me here. In a matter of milliseconds I feel lost, and then found and joyfully so. I can't really describe it, but a few weeks ago I just started crying in the middle of a family meeting. I couldn't understand how I got here! It was like I was sitting in one scene and then, 2 years later, there I was. In regards to relationships, I continually praise the Lord for sparing me from so much more pain. I need only remember where he brought me from to realize I don't need to seek fulfillment with men. I don't need to have the attention of friends. When I lost all of my close friends, I felt abandoned, but the Lord raised me up, and He is my high tower of strength.
posted by Princess_Fyara @ 12:24 PM
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